I know it's been almost a year since my last post. Life suddenly got in the way. My husband was diagnosed with oesophageal cancer in early June and died in October. Since then I've been trying to get a grip and look after the dogs.
Both of them miss him so much, and on top of that, Murphy has been steadily deteriorating. He had the vestibular disease last March and we thought we would lose him, but he struggled back and apart from a tilt to the head when he was tired and a wee bit worse off in the balance stakes, was none the worse.
At the beginning of October we noticed an egg-sized lump on his back leg which when tested proved to be full of synovial (join) fluid. Nothing they could do as he's too old to operate, he wouldn't survive the anaesthetic. So I've had to watch it grow, and grow, and grow.
Meanwhile he has slowed down, is almost totally deaf, falls over a lot, doesn't really know when he is poo-ing anymore (no problems with his waterworks, thank god) and has increasing doggy dementia. He hates to let me out his sight and follows me everywhere if possible.
Finally last week he noticed the lump and (I've been keeping it dressed since it started bleeding Saturday before Christmas) licked it to such good effect he took the top off. Since when we've been living on borrowed time. The lump is now full of necrotic tissue and is getting bigger and worse. It hurts him I think, he is starting to flinch when I clean and dress it twice a day. His brother Rufus (owned by my son in law's family) died on 3rd January in his sleep. and since then I knew it wouldn't be long, they've always been quite similar in their progress.
So we come to it - the hardest thing a pet owner has to do. Make the Decision. We've had a family weekend so the kids and families have been able to say goodbye. I've had a lot of lovely messages on social media, some of them insightful and helpful as well as supportive.
- "letting him go is part of loving him" (Anne Rae)
- "he knows he is loved" (Anne White)
- "he knows he is loved and he will love you back forever" (Rick White)
- "he's had the best fur mummy" (Jen Birtles Kelman)
- "the kindest and hardest thing a pet owner has to do" (Fiona Taylor)
- "a much-loved Murphy" (Linda Leslie)
- "he's had such a wonderful life, no dog could be loved more" (Angela Slater)
- "we all loved Murphy very very much" (Anne Clydesdale)
- "cherish every moment and know he will always be in your heart" (Claire Lisa Shaw)
- "..you know it's the best for Murphy" (Tina Roberts)
- "I still laugh at Murphy trying to take off the bandana you had bought for Archie" (Lynn Duguid)
- "So many happy times - the girls still remember Murphy getting into Drum garden centre. You were so calm - at least on the outside!" (Veronica Strachan)
So here I am, trying to keep it a normal day for me, Murphy and Maddie, and trying not to watch the clock. I am ABSOLUTELY NOT thinking about it.
But I can now see that it is indeed time. He never wags his tail anymore, I never see him grinning like he used to. He can't run at all anymore, his back legs drag. he is lost in confusion a lot of the time and each day is not lived but survived. What kind of life is that for a dog? I hadn't really seen it because I live with him but I can see it through other people's eyes now I'm looking.
So I am taking a huge, deep breath, and waiting to say goodbye. Emily's going to come round and I've organised to help with the Brownies and then go see Nana in hospital tonight to keep me distracted. But I am so MAD at Richard for leaving me to do this on my own. Or I suppose really I am mad at life and the universe for taking Richard away against his will and leaving me alone with this.
My poor darling Murphy. Apart from an indiscretion with a deer which wasn't entirely his fault, he has been the best dog ever. Friendly, kind, sociable, great with kids, patient, loyal, fun. I owe it to him to let him go and I will not fail him. I love you Murphy. Life will NEVER be the same and I wouldn't want it to be.
21 January 2019
03 April 2018
Meanwhile, in Maddie-land
...life goes on as normal! It being Easter this weekend, we had a few eggs. I was met, on Monday morning, with an empty creme egg box (those boxes with five eggs in) - I had left the box, with THREE still in, on a chest of drawers in the spare room. I don't know how she managed to find them, but obviously did!
So far, no visible effects, ill or otherwise. She did steal some chocolate coins at Christmas-time and threw up the foil wrappers three or four days later, so who knows, that delight may yet come. I'm really more annoyed with her because they're my favourite! (Obviously I'd be worried if it had been dark chocolate but she seems to be immune to Cadbury's chocolate)
She's also delighted to find that her snow-angel days aren't over yet this year...
So far, no visible effects, ill or otherwise. She did steal some chocolate coins at Christmas-time and threw up the foil wrappers three or four days later, so who knows, that delight may yet come. I'm really more annoyed with her because they're my favourite! (Obviously I'd be worried if it had been dark chocolate but she seems to be immune to Cadbury's chocolate)
She's also delighted to find that her snow-angel days aren't over yet this year...
Murphy - update
Well, the last post as a bit prescient! Or maybe an early warning... the following evening, Murphy suddenly went down with what turned out to be Vestibular Disease. I was doing the usual three things at once in the kitchen (doing laundry, baking doggy biscuits and making the dinner) when Richard called sharply to say that Murphy wasn't well. He'd fallen over, out of the blue. We got him on the sofa but he was hanging off, panting hard and fast. So we got him off again and he sat.
It was then we saw his head was lopsided - and I immediately thought "stroke!". One phone call to the vet later and we were on the way down with him in the car, having had to carry him out and lift him in.
They diagnosed the vestibular disease - he was sick at the vets (we found later he'd also been sick in the car) and you could see his eyes flicking back and forward really fast - that meant the world was spinning for him, no wonder he was sick!
So we took him home and fro the next week he was on anti-nausea tablet and antibiotics (in case it was an infection which had brought it on) and we had to almost carry him everywhere, since he couldn't walk. Unfortunately the antibiotics meant he needed outside three or four times a night - which meant we both had to get up. I did it myself a couple of times, it was easier once we got a harness for him with a handle at the back and another harness-thing to put under him to help lift his back half, but ended up with a sore wrist and back so didn't do it too often without Richard!
According to the all-important internet (!), within 2-3 days the majority of dogs showed significant improvement, and more or less recovered by themselves by two weeks. But Murphy wasn't showing any improvement (and was worse than most dogs, who could at least walk, albeit drunkenly). We were getting desperate, and Richard was on the point of organising flights for the kids to come up to say goodbye.
It started on the Wednesday night. By the Sunday I was exhausted from broken sleep, and losing hope. I'd cancelled a family weekend in Glasgow and we'd withdrawn from a lunch with friends. I went to church as usual and afterwards went to light a candle in front of one of the statues in the corner. I just had a meltdown, really - lit my candle, knelt down on the kneeler and putting my hands over my face, howled silently. It was Mother's Day and another woman had brought a toddler to light a candle, so I composed myself, sat back to give the kneeler to them and looked out the window, to get a bit more time before I had to leave the church past everyone.
That woman showed such compassion - she obviously thought my upset was due to the day, for she turned and gave me a hug and said "It can be so difficult at this time", or words to that effect. It was so lovely of her.
When I got back from church I took Murphy outside (Richard has built him a wee ramp down the couple of steps at the back door) and noticed that he seemed to be a bit more able to take his own weight. Richard said I was seeing what I wanted to see (always the optimist) but as the next few days went by it became obvious that he had indeed turned a corner.
So although it was longer than the predicted two weeks, he has slowly recovered. His head remains tilted (more so when he is tired) and this affects his spacial awareness and ability to place noises, but he can walk himself and remains as dedicated to food, walks and sociability as always! He is unsteady on his feet - again worse when he is tired or sleepy but quite capable of taking the lead off me and galloping home for food!
We definitely have to keep an eye on him - we went the Ness Islands walk last week and he fell down the bank and nearly into the river (not fast flowing there) - he hasn't got the strength to correct himself if he is on sloping ground, especially on his left side so we have to bear that in mind. There's been a couple of occasions in the garden when I've turned round to catch sight of him tipping over sideways into the flower border! (I think because it's got a slightly raised edge and he can't get his paws up enough to step over it to stop himself), he has fallen down the side of the steps a few times and once tumbled down a too-steep grassy bank, but he always picks himself up and struggles back up manfully.
So our darling is changed, older and less physically capable, but remains, as always, our Murphy. And I am even more determined to enjoy what time we have left with him.
It was then we saw his head was lopsided - and I immediately thought "stroke!". One phone call to the vet later and we were on the way down with him in the car, having had to carry him out and lift him in.
They diagnosed the vestibular disease - he was sick at the vets (we found later he'd also been sick in the car) and you could see his eyes flicking back and forward really fast - that meant the world was spinning for him, no wonder he was sick!
So we took him home and fro the next week he was on anti-nausea tablet and antibiotics (in case it was an infection which had brought it on) and we had to almost carry him everywhere, since he couldn't walk. Unfortunately the antibiotics meant he needed outside three or four times a night - which meant we both had to get up. I did it myself a couple of times, it was easier once we got a harness for him with a handle at the back and another harness-thing to put under him to help lift his back half, but ended up with a sore wrist and back so didn't do it too often without Richard!
According to the all-important internet (!), within 2-3 days the majority of dogs showed significant improvement, and more or less recovered by themselves by two weeks. But Murphy wasn't showing any improvement (and was worse than most dogs, who could at least walk, albeit drunkenly). We were getting desperate, and Richard was on the point of organising flights for the kids to come up to say goodbye.
It started on the Wednesday night. By the Sunday I was exhausted from broken sleep, and losing hope. I'd cancelled a family weekend in Glasgow and we'd withdrawn from a lunch with friends. I went to church as usual and afterwards went to light a candle in front of one of the statues in the corner. I just had a meltdown, really - lit my candle, knelt down on the kneeler and putting my hands over my face, howled silently. It was Mother's Day and another woman had brought a toddler to light a candle, so I composed myself, sat back to give the kneeler to them and looked out the window, to get a bit more time before I had to leave the church past everyone.
That woman showed such compassion - she obviously thought my upset was due to the day, for she turned and gave me a hug and said "It can be so difficult at this time", or words to that effect. It was so lovely of her.
When I got back from church I took Murphy outside (Richard has built him a wee ramp down the couple of steps at the back door) and noticed that he seemed to be a bit more able to take his own weight. Richard said I was seeing what I wanted to see (always the optimist) but as the next few days went by it became obvious that he had indeed turned a corner.
So although it was longer than the predicted two weeks, he has slowly recovered. His head remains tilted (more so when he is tired) and this affects his spacial awareness and ability to place noises, but he can walk himself and remains as dedicated to food, walks and sociability as always! He is unsteady on his feet - again worse when he is tired or sleepy but quite capable of taking the lead off me and galloping home for food!
We definitely have to keep an eye on him - we went the Ness Islands walk last week and he fell down the bank and nearly into the river (not fast flowing there) - he hasn't got the strength to correct himself if he is on sloping ground, especially on his left side so we have to bear that in mind. There's been a couple of occasions in the garden when I've turned round to catch sight of him tipping over sideways into the flower border! (I think because it's got a slightly raised edge and he can't get his paws up enough to step over it to stop himself), he has fallen down the side of the steps a few times and once tumbled down a too-steep grassy bank, but he always picks himself up and struggles back up manfully.
So our darling is changed, older and less physically capable, but remains, as always, our Murphy. And I am even more determined to enjoy what time we have left with him.
06 March 2018
Murphy
It's been a while since I posted, but not much has changed for Murphy. He'll be 14 in exactly 2 weeks' time. He still loves his walks, although now he doesn't get to go out with Mike (the dog walker) and Maddie any more. The muscle wastage in his hips means he shouldn't walk for more than about 20 minutes at a time. So when Maddie goes out he gets a doggie puzzle with treats to make him feel special and distract him.
He goes to hydrotherapy once a week with me. There, he walks on the treadmill in water, with me stationed at one end feeding him titbits every now and then to keep him motivated. We have to keep an eye on him - it's ok for him to keep his front paws on the edge because it's the back ones he needs to exercise, but sometimes we'll notice he's got one back one on the side and is just going through the motions with the other one!
He's nae daft!
He lives to eat - we have to keep him on the lead on his morning and evening walks around the school as he will eat anything and everything he can - and I mean anything! He has always barked (once, imperatively) to get out or in the back door; now he has started the same thing if we've maybe left the remains of a snack or any other food out and he wants it. It's a strong incentive to clear up!
He needs help onto the sofa now and then, and he's started to skite about sometimes too - the hydro can only delay the inevitable now, it can't build the muscle up.
He's also getting a bit "fiel" - he'll suddenly realise he's alone in a room and panic; maybe he thinks he's been abandoned, so he barks until distracted - which can involve some loud shouting in the right tone, since he's pretty deaf too!
This morning I noticed he was really dragging his back right paw in the snow (always easy to see it in the snow) and tonight he suddenly seemed to get really tired. He was staggering quite a bit - clearly that same leg has suddenly lost it a bit. I don't know why now, or why so suddenly. Maybe he's just tired, and that's the weakest leg.
He's asleep in the middle of the living room floor now, where he can see my legs stretched out in the sunroom as I watch TV.
Despite all the ailments and weaknesses that are coming with his old age, he's still our Murphy. Still loves attention, treats and his Daddy (me too, but he's Richard's adorer). Still desperate for his walk when he thinks he should be having it, even though he daunders along, would be happier with a shorter one (but Maddie wouldn't be!) and goes faster downhill purely because he can't slow himself down anymore. Still independent, taking the lead out my hand if he wants to go himself (the kids going to school love seeing that - "the doggie's walking himself!")
Who knows how long we've got left with him, but I'm determined to treasure it. My darling.
He goes to hydrotherapy once a week with me. There, he walks on the treadmill in water, with me stationed at one end feeding him titbits every now and then to keep him motivated. We have to keep an eye on him - it's ok for him to keep his front paws on the edge because it's the back ones he needs to exercise, but sometimes we'll notice he's got one back one on the side and is just going through the motions with the other one!
He's nae daft!
He lives to eat - we have to keep him on the lead on his morning and evening walks around the school as he will eat anything and everything he can - and I mean anything! He has always barked (once, imperatively) to get out or in the back door; now he has started the same thing if we've maybe left the remains of a snack or any other food out and he wants it. It's a strong incentive to clear up!
He needs help onto the sofa now and then, and he's started to skite about sometimes too - the hydro can only delay the inevitable now, it can't build the muscle up.
He's also getting a bit "fiel" - he'll suddenly realise he's alone in a room and panic; maybe he thinks he's been abandoned, so he barks until distracted - which can involve some loud shouting in the right tone, since he's pretty deaf too!
This morning I noticed he was really dragging his back right paw in the snow (always easy to see it in the snow) and tonight he suddenly seemed to get really tired. He was staggering quite a bit - clearly that same leg has suddenly lost it a bit. I don't know why now, or why so suddenly. Maybe he's just tired, and that's the weakest leg.
He's asleep in the middle of the living room floor now, where he can see my legs stretched out in the sunroom as I watch TV.
Despite all the ailments and weaknesses that are coming with his old age, he's still our Murphy. Still loves attention, treats and his Daddy (me too, but he's Richard's adorer). Still desperate for his walk when he thinks he should be having it, even though he daunders along, would be happier with a shorter one (but Maddie wouldn't be!) and goes faster downhill purely because he can't slow himself down anymore. Still independent, taking the lead out my hand if he wants to go himself (the kids going to school love seeing that - "the doggie's walking himself!")
Who knows how long we've got left with him, but I'm determined to treasure it. My darling.
08 August 2017
In the nick of time
Murphy used up one of his lives the other day. We were up at the local shop for a few messages. I don't put Murphy on the lead as he would chew through it - he's very good at standing at the door waiting for me (although it's an automatic entry door so if he stands in the wrong place it ends up opening and closing constantly til I get back)
Anyway, he was mooching about across the waste ground over the road from the shop and I was waiting for him to cross over so I could settle him before going into the shop. There's a zebra crossing and I was standing at one end of it. As he approached from the other side the delivery lorry came round the corner and started along the road. Of course Murphy didn't see it and they didn't see Murphy. I was yelling at him to stop but he's pretty deaf now and kept going.
Luckily they were crawling at about 5 mph, as he only stopped when the lorry was literally at his shoulder. He'd just about started to cross the crossing, so kept going once he realised it was stopped.
Their faces were pretty bemused - why is there a dog using the zebra crossing?!!
(PS. I don't cross the road now until he's with me - I don't know if a dog has as many lives as a cat but I'm not testing it!)
Anyway, he was mooching about across the waste ground over the road from the shop and I was waiting for him to cross over so I could settle him before going into the shop. There's a zebra crossing and I was standing at one end of it. As he approached from the other side the delivery lorry came round the corner and started along the road. Of course Murphy didn't see it and they didn't see Murphy. I was yelling at him to stop but he's pretty deaf now and kept going.
Luckily they were crawling at about 5 mph, as he only stopped when the lorry was literally at his shoulder. He'd just about started to cross the crossing, so kept going once he realised it was stopped.
Their faces were pretty bemused - why is there a dog using the zebra crossing?!!
(PS. I don't cross the road now until he's with me - I don't know if a dog has as many lives as a cat but I'm not testing it!)
30 May 2017
Horses for Courses
Have I eve mentioned what a superb meeter & greeter Murphy is?
Richard's brought him to the train station a few times when he's meeting me off a train. And Murphy is the best ever - he's bright and interested and looking out for you, this big doggie grin on his face. When he sees you (usually before you've seen him) he is desperate to get to you, pulling at the lead until he's let go, when he races towards you and almost knocks you down, so delighted is he to say hello!
Recently I was in Aberdeen and suggested to Richard he bring Maddie to meet me upon my return to Inverness, given her recent troubles (see previous post). So there I was, high-tailing it up the platform, looking forward to a rumbunctious welcome - cos Maddie's always more high-energy than Murphy.
I should have known better.
I saw Richard first and looking down, realised Miss Welcome hadn't even noticed I had arrived (I was 4 feet away), being much more interested in a mark on the floor she was straining towards in the hope it might be edible. Upon my calling her name she looked up briefly, almost nodded then went back to her nasal exploration of the floor. As we left the station she was pulling on her lead to get out. I was just another hand on the lead holding her back. Welcome home, Mummy!
Huh! Note to self, always choose Murphy! It's just not Maddie's forte.
Richard's brought him to the train station a few times when he's meeting me off a train. And Murphy is the best ever - he's bright and interested and looking out for you, this big doggie grin on his face. When he sees you (usually before you've seen him) he is desperate to get to you, pulling at the lead until he's let go, when he races towards you and almost knocks you down, so delighted is he to say hello!
Recently I was in Aberdeen and suggested to Richard he bring Maddie to meet me upon my return to Inverness, given her recent troubles (see previous post). So there I was, high-tailing it up the platform, looking forward to a rumbunctious welcome - cos Maddie's always more high-energy than Murphy.
I should have known better.
I saw Richard first and looking down, realised Miss Welcome hadn't even noticed I had arrived (I was 4 feet away), being much more interested in a mark on the floor she was straining towards in the hope it might be edible. Upon my calling her name she looked up briefly, almost nodded then went back to her nasal exploration of the floor. As we left the station she was pulling on her lead to get out. I was just another hand on the lead holding her back. Welcome home, Mummy!
Huh! Note to self, always choose Murphy! It's just not Maddie's forte.
Maddie's woes
Poor Maddie has been in the wars the last couple of weeks.
I noticed she had a substantial lump behind her top front teeth and got it looked at by the vet. She was then taken in the next morning for an operation to have it removed. The evening before the surgery she managed to tear a dew claw.
So when we got her back on the Wednesday she had bright pink bandage round her front paw and was missing the lump (a tumour) and one tooth (which they had to remove in order to get the tumour out).
Although she was clearly feeling sorry for herself the first thing she did upon getting home was nip into her crate and start pulling the cotton wool out of her bandage! So she spent the next 4 days with one of my socks over it, which seemed to stop her. Of course, the day before she was due back for a follow-up she got the whole thing off, so I had to dig out the first aid kit, my first aid knowledge and the doggy "no chew" bandages we still have from Murphy's previous paw incidents. I was pretty impressed with the result, myself!
(Of course, she shot into the garden the morning of the follow-up and got it wet on the grass, so we got told off by the vet and the bandage was removed, with her getting a "buster collar" (cone of shame/lampshade) instead. She was very patient with it but it wouldn't go in the crate and Richard let her sleep on the spare bed instead. Didn't stop her stealing our shoes as normal and I had a hilarious 10 minutes watching her desperately trying to get herself, the lampshade and my shoe into the crate!
She's been on soft food since, and has only recently been allowed to walk off the lead. Murphy's very jealous of the food, he'd love to get rice and boiled chicken, or mashed potato and tuna for his dinner!
So - the biopsis on the tumour came back from the lab and it turns out it was a low-grade sarcoma. They're pretty sure it won't metastisise (move to other parts of the body) but we have to decide what to do next. The vet says she didn't manage to get the root of it and it could come back. We could leave it and see what happens, or we could have further surgery done to try to remove all of it (probably necessitating the removal of more teeth and some bone). This would need to be done at one of the vet schools (Edinburgh or Glasgow) so we've nominated Glasgow and she's emailed them for advice.
Once she hears back we'll have to sit down with the vet and have a talk about it, I guess. In the meantime she's back to being as full of beans and mischief as usual. Thank goodness!
I noticed she had a substantial lump behind her top front teeth and got it looked at by the vet. She was then taken in the next morning for an operation to have it removed. The evening before the surgery she managed to tear a dew claw.
So when we got her back on the Wednesday she had bright pink bandage round her front paw and was missing the lump (a tumour) and one tooth (which they had to remove in order to get the tumour out).
Although she was clearly feeling sorry for herself the first thing she did upon getting home was nip into her crate and start pulling the cotton wool out of her bandage! So she spent the next 4 days with one of my socks over it, which seemed to stop her. Of course, the day before she was due back for a follow-up she got the whole thing off, so I had to dig out the first aid kit, my first aid knowledge and the doggy "no chew" bandages we still have from Murphy's previous paw incidents. I was pretty impressed with the result, myself!
(Of course, she shot into the garden the morning of the follow-up and got it wet on the grass, so we got told off by the vet and the bandage was removed, with her getting a "buster collar" (cone of shame/lampshade) instead. She was very patient with it but it wouldn't go in the crate and Richard let her sleep on the spare bed instead. Didn't stop her stealing our shoes as normal and I had a hilarious 10 minutes watching her desperately trying to get herself, the lampshade and my shoe into the crate!
She's been on soft food since, and has only recently been allowed to walk off the lead. Murphy's very jealous of the food, he'd love to get rice and boiled chicken, or mashed potato and tuna for his dinner!
So - the biopsis on the tumour came back from the lab and it turns out it was a low-grade sarcoma. They're pretty sure it won't metastisise (move to other parts of the body) but we have to decide what to do next. The vet says she didn't manage to get the root of it and it could come back. We could leave it and see what happens, or we could have further surgery done to try to remove all of it (probably necessitating the removal of more teeth and some bone). This would need to be done at one of the vet schools (Edinburgh or Glasgow) so we've nominated Glasgow and she's emailed them for advice.
Once she hears back we'll have to sit down with the vet and have a talk about it, I guess. In the meantime she's back to being as full of beans and mischief as usual. Thank goodness!
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